Deodorant
I feel like Vinodini comes up rather frequently in my emails, and how can she not; she is just an amazing little character. She is our second youngest girl and probably the most underdeveloped of all the children. She also happens to be our weakest physically has a series of physical problems but despite of that she is super joyful and silly. Almost daily she will come into my room and start rummaging through my things. Normally this would irritate me but it doesn’t because I don’t like people going through my things but when she finds something she is unfamiliar with and starts using it the wrong way it’s really funny. So the other day I was cleaning up my things and I had my back turned to her. When I turned around I saw she had the cap off my deodorant and was smelling it, I thought no problem and turned around. A moment later I turned again and there she was wiping the deodorant all over her clothing. It didn’t even faze her that she was putting white streaks all over her clothes. Now I know what you’re thinking, “you jumped in there and stopped her right”?  Nope you’re wrong, I watched.

Time to give
Lately I have been feeling so overwhelmed with fear and insecurity. Actually before I became a Christian I used to be crippled by fear everything would spin me in to these episodes of irrational fear. For instance when I was younger I was completely convinced that I was going to be kidnapped so I would go to great measures to make sure that wouldn’t happen. If someone happened to make a turn in my direction I would start running just to get away from them. Anyway lately I have been reading into things and going off of impressions and it has been totally making me insecure. I’ll get these feelings that everyone is talking about me, I guess it is easy to think since I don’t speak the language. Well the other night I was feeling awful so I went down stairs all crappy and pouty in an attempt to bring attention to myself. I sat down in a chair looking all sad and pathetic hoping someone would say “oh my, look at Rocky he is sad what can we do to encourage him” As if they would even have the ability to council and encourage me not knowing how to speak to me. As I sat there, Vignesh walked right up to me, knelt down put his head in my lap and wrapped his arms around the back of my legs. He didn’t seem sad or anything of that nature. After about five minutes his back started shaking so I thought “man I think he is crying” I was right he was weeping. For about 25 minutes he sobbed in my lap, I spoke softly to him and rubbed his back to comfort him. After some time I asked him if he wanted to go out and eat, he felt up to it so we left. As we walked I couldn’t help but feel encouraged and frustrated at the same time. Here is this little boy who has so much pain locked up inside and he has no one taking the time to listen. He has had such a hard life so far and desperately needs someone to counsel him so he can heal. I’m not only willing, I want to help but I’m not capable because of our language barrier. This is producing a nagging pain on my heart; it’s like sitting back and watching someone drown because you yourself cannot swim. I was encouraged because God was using me to meet his need instead of letting me stay focused on myself. As we sat in the restaurant I felt stupid trying to love him because I couldn’t say anything he can understand. He happens to be one of the most unschooled children in the home. I would try to say something funny and he wouldn’t understand, after a while I just stopped talking and tried be encouraging without words. I’m confident that there is a universal language that everyone knows how to speak and interoperate at the same time. I did my best to show concern for his needs by looking intently at him and giving him my full attention. I tried to calm him by speaking slowly and softly. I tried to reassure him by holding him tightly as we walked. Honestly I don’t know what he understands and feels built up by but I’m trying. Pray for me just to be patient because it is hard.

These little situations have been happening more and more often they leave me feeling disheartened. I’ll be full of the desire to help but only find myself incapable of doing so. Today Kowsalya was her happy self, all full of joy as she bobbed around the home, then out of nowhere she broke down. I don’t mean she got upset I mean she literally broke down into uncontrollable sobbing for a few hours. She at one point was so upset that she just laid on the bed a shook back and forth crying. In those moments all I long to do is bring their pain to an end. Instead I get the opportunity to sit powerless while I watch a child suffer. It’s so frustrating and draining on my heart. It feels like it would be easier to run away in the moment but what would that solve. Anyway I sat there and rubbed her back and one of the older girls said “She’s feeling the family feelings… No family”. It’s crazy no matter how close the staff is to Kowsalya they remain only staff to her. It’s amazing being able to love this little girl but I understand I’ll never be able to replace her family. This seems to be a reoccurring situation for me and the kids. Moments like these are causing me to become increasingly frustrated with myself and my inability to pick this language up faster. Sorry this is probably super draining to read, I’m not trying to be Debbie downer but it’s the reality. I guess there was no way to fully prepare but these are the days I need to take things in stride

Sometimes I wonder how I can still feel guilty when I’m here serving my guts out. People are constantly encouraging me with loving words of respect but I brush it off. I can always find a flaw in the quality of my service.

I’m really grateful for all the amazing ways that God is using love to heal the scares of each child’s past. It seems like daily they are learning to trust and let go of their fears. It’s amazing just how much they fear rejection and abandonment. The other day I sat down with Anitha and my Tamil teacher because I wanted to tell her something. You see every time I leave she will come up to me all frantic and say “Rocky enna America going”? Despite of how many times I have reassured her she keeps doing it. So with the three of us sitting there I asked Phillip to translate for me, I explained the situation then I asked why she keeps asking me if I’m leaving. She said “some of the kids said you are leaving for America on the 5th, when you go away I’m feeling anxious. I asked Phillip to just reassure her that I will be here for her and she doesn’t need to worry about me leaving her.

It’s discouraging because about twenty minutes later Anitha was getting scolded for something, actually I didn’t even realize it was happening, it was Phillip who motioned for me to be quite so he could hear what was happening. Before I tell you want happened I’ll back up and tell you a little bit to give you context. Basically we get our funding from good-hearted individuals; we do this instead of collecting government funds so we can teach the children about Jesus.  If you collect government funds the government has certain rules they impress upon you. So weekly we will have between 1-5 guests who come and visit the home, sometimes they give money, sometimes they give food or clothing. Ok back to my story, so some guests had come to the home and the children were being children as they should be. They were playing, dancing and having fun; well Anitha in her joy was just grabbing the hands of one of the guests. Apparently the guest was feeling uncomfortable being touched by an AIDS infected orphan and made a comment to someone in charge about it. So after the guest left they sat her down and told her that the behavior needs to stop. Upon hearing this I was so upset because it only serves to make her feel alienated from other people. Is there a way to describe this to a ten year old in an edifying way? That night I was feeling discouraged about the whole situation because I was just trying to build this child up and then that happens. Anyway God is in control and he said LOVE WILL NEVER FAIL. So with that in mind we will teach by deed not word.