It’s funny I’ve been trying to finish this email for about a week and half I honestly am super afraid to just be me and speak from my heart. Actually I received some intense criticism and it just kind of drained me from wanting to share in fear that every thing I was sharing was seen as weird or improper. Basically someone I’ve never met said some discouraging things about hugging the children. I’ve spent so much time in prayer because I’m trying to find the right balance between pushing against what I feel is wrong and excepting the things I don’t understand. I’ve been really trying to consider what the love of Jesus would look like in a practical way if he spent the day in the orphanage. What vocabulary does he use as he admonishes the children? As he kneels down to look directly into their eyes what does his smile look like? Then I stop to consider the most controversial part of his love, his touch. How does he behave in light of a culture that is void of physical affection? I imagine an incredibly gentle touch by hands that ease the pain of loneliness. A warm reassuring hug that makes you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. I’m rather torn because I’m watching a miracle happen before my eyes everyday, I get to watch thirty-three AIDS orphans forget the pain of being rejected by their families. By no means do any of the children just give their love you really have to earn it by your faithfulness and commitment to them. Honestly I understand it, It’s not fair to come here and expect the children to give you their love in return. They have been let down far to much to give away their trust freely. It’s interesting after investing 7 months of time in India I for the first time the other day had one of the children come up to me and say “I love you”. It was beautiful and meant a lot but trust it was earned by promising to be faithful.

Winston Churchill once said “Somewhere along the way, we will have opportunities to advance ourselves or keep ourselves out of trouble by going along with something wrong or by being silent in the face of injustice.” I often wonder what would it look like if all people resisted the temptation to focus on themselves and truly pour themselves out for the benefit of others. In my short time on earth I’ve observed a few things that really alarm me to the point of righteous anger. The poor being neglected, The wastefulness of Americans and people having amazing dreams to do great things for God but them being crippled by fear which in turn renders them powerless and afraid to do anything.

Waste

The average collage campus wastes 20 tons of food per year. Walk into any “all you can eat buffet” and watch people throw away plate after plate of food with no regard at all to the millions of people starving to death everyday. Most people have never seen a child scrap fallen rice from the ground and eat it. He slowly and carefully regards every grain of rice with a respect because he knows the uncertainty of his next meal. The disturbing thing is you can tell people this, show them pictures and videos, people will be deeply moved, even to tears but still it reflects in little to no change in their lives. What would it take to inspire you end wastefulness in your life?

Fear

“If I don’t pay 70,000 dollars for college then my future will be uncertain”, As if degree is defined by Webster’s as guarantee. I have so many friends who are completely smothered by thousands and thousands of dollars of debt. They have wonderful dreams to go and do great things but the 100,000 ball and chain connected to their neck makes it impossible. The desire to be secure has become a fence but it’s being used to keep them in and their dream out. People can smell a more adventurous an exciting life for Jesus but the fears and uncertainties of this life nag them to death.

Greed

Jesus says the greedy will not inherit the kingdom of God. Most Americans would not classify themselves as greedy, why? I’ve been a Christian for eight years I can only think of one sermon that I ever heard preached on greed. It was on a tape from the early nineties by a man named Dan Allison. Preachers aren’t talking about it why? In David Bercot’s book The early Church Writers, Justin Martyr Said” Greed is the desire to acquire things that are not necessary to live. Think about the things you justify as necessity and I promise you the rest of the world would disagree with you. If you own a big screen TV what did you do to justify buying it? Hopefully I’m provoking people to evaluate their life style.

It’s funny In my own fear I’ve been afraid to speak up about things I’ve seen in fear that people would think I’m just some judgmental dude going off. I’ve thought about it though if people can’t be moved by me to consider change then who can they be moved by? Anyway that’s my sermon for the day.

The Rat

So you probably remember me telling you about the rat in the fridge but incase you don’t read over last email. Something I’m starting to notice about India is that their rats have absolutely no respect for people’s personal space. The other night Saravana and I went to sleep early thinking if we go to bed now we can have a more productive tomorrow. Well unfortunately the night ended up being especially hot so I couldn’t fall asleep. I decided to sleep in the hallway thinking that air would be cooler there. About 3am I felt what I thought was Saravana putting his hand on my chest. I thought, “ Awe that’s cool he checking to see if I’m near”. Well the hand began to dig at my chest, which startled me. I opened my eyes to find a giant rat sitting no my chest. As I quickly got up he rat off, Nasty little vagrant. On the note of no respect daily I find rat turds thoughtfully sprinkled all over my plate.

Update on Vignesh

I don’t know if you remember me telling you anything about a boy here named Vignesh? Well he is the one who randomly gets violent and tries to hurt other kids. Once I had to grab him and remove a giant rock out of his hands because he got angry and decided he wanted to throw it at one of the other children. He also is the most blatantly disrespectful to the staff. I noticed the staff gives him an incredible amount of grace, a grace that was starting to seem to me like favoritism. My love was really starting to wear thin because of the various ways he was disrespecting me, Then God totally enlightened me as to why he is behaving the way he is. About 4 years ago something rather traumatic happened to him that has really affected the way he see the staff here. Vignesh had an extremely loving father, When he found out that they both were infected with Aids he brought Vignesh to the home. Unlike any of the other children Vignesh would receive a visit from his father once a month, I know that doesn’t seem like a lot but most of the kids never have anyone visit them. His father Happened to be a man who was well off, He owned lands among many other things. One day Vignesh’s father died which was very hard on him. Out of know where some of his remaining family paid him an unexpected visit, which was odd because they never showed any concern or love for him. Priya, the program coordinator got a really bad feeling about but did her best to be supportive. Vignesh being so young was just so happy to receive a visit during his fathers passing. The family started presenting him with different types of paper work requesting him to sign it. After some time Priya realized what was happening before her eyes. She took the papers and read them only to find that his relatives where trying to deceive the boy and have him sign over his rights to his inheritance. His father willed him all his lands and money, and the family just thought they could take it from this boy. Priya quickly called the police which turned out to be a huge ordeal, The family tried to fight to get him to sign and priya fought to protect his inheritance. Vignesh being only five or six never really understood what was happening but believes that priya and the staff are the reason his family doesn’t come back for him. It’s been four years since he has seen or talked to anyone in his family

Ruth

Being here for only 87 days it’s becoming more and more clear to me the separation anxiety the children deal with every day. For instance I was saying goodbye to the kids because I was planning a one night stay at our new place. As I said goodbye to Anitha who was half asleep her eyes widened and she said with distress in her voice “enna America going”? I then reassured her that I’d see her in the morning. There is perpetual worry that those they become close with will eventually leave them, it is an extremely deep insecurity that nags at them. It takes more trust then I will ever know for these children to give their heart to some one new. They all have a long track record of people coming into their life for a time, offering them love and then leaving them. With the big sift to the new orphanage comes a lot of joy and sorrow. On one hand they are happy that we a shifting to the new orphanage which will give them plenty of room to play, but on the other they are closing a major chapter of their lives here in Chennai. As we move to the new home the children will be saying goodbye to an eight year long care taker and program coordinator Priya. To these children this woman has become everything; she is a mother, a sister and a friend. She has been the only constant they have known in their lives. Seeing the kids through this has really caused me to go into deep though about what I want to be for these kids in the long run. Do I really plan to punch a five-year time card and leaving? I can’t help but think of Ruth and Naomi in the book of Ruth, Life had dealt Naomi her mother in law some pretty terrible cards. She lost her husband and both her sons and was left with no one to love and support her. Ruth signed her life away just to be a comfort and support to her mother in law. Naomi even urged her to move on and go have a productive life in her hometown. But Ruth was more concerned about Naomi’s needs than her own. I’m so blown away by such faithfulness; I wonder to myself could I do it, could I dedicate my life just to improve the quality of someone else’s. Sure five years is something but what about a tangible faithfulness that says I’ll follow you into the dark? What would it take to get my heart to the point where I could sit with one of these children and say I’m never going to leave you and mean it.

I attached some photos of two of our girls in their new dresses on their birthdays thanks to your giving I was able to just make them feel like a total princess on their special day. I wish you could have been there to see their eyes light up it is the most amazing thing in the world. I can’t say thank you enough you afford me the opportunity to be the love of Jesus for these kids everyday.

PS, I was asked if there was anyway that i could help pay for the new beds for the new home. Currently 75% of our kids sleep on the floor. So i wanted to let you know this month your money with a few other of my friends money is going to buy beds for the orphans. Once again thank you so much I’ll take photos of the new beds and send them :0)

Love you for real,

Rocko