I’ve tried to write this letter to you at least six times but every single time I start something happens to either discourage me from writing or things will happen that make it completely impossible to write. To give you a (For Instance) The power will go out for like two days which will happen to be a time when I feel the most inspired to write. Like right now the power has been out for two full days and shows no sign of returning. Two nights back I felt so inspired to write you and as I sat down a fantastic letter poured from my fingers tips, it was a letter expressing instances of  loss and amazing victories and as I attempted to save it something happened to my computer and made it freeze, when I reopened the letter nothing was there. I just sat there looking at the screen thinking man how lame and sucky is that? I struggled to find the desire to start over but I found the heart to do it, as I wrote the power went out and I thought “ FINE nothing can stop me I HAVE A LAPTOP”. As each second passed a plethora of the most awful ungodly bugs decided they would invite themselves to relax on my screen, I tried for about 4 minutes to persuade them to relocate somewhere else, but the bugs in India are relentless. I resolved to just coexist in harmony with them but it became impossible to see the words as I typed. Shortly after I gave up, fully irritated, and deflated of anything that would resemble inspiration. So I apologize for all my more than pathetic attempts to inform you of this journey. Before I go further in case I haven’t told you lately I want to take the time now to do so, To fully remind you of how absolutely grateful to you for your love and financial support I understand times are hard but you have been so faithful to me and the kids benefit everyday in an amazing way because of you. May GOD BLESS YOUR FACE OFF!!!

Madesh

Something interesting happened about four days back, one of our most well behaved children Madesh just snapped and started to behave in ways I’ve never seen him before.

I was basically upstairs cooking up some Indian love muffins AKA idles, out of know where Neelam came in frantic saying “Rocky come come Madesh”. I must confess I was tempted to over look it because he is so well behaved I figured he was fighting or something no problem give the kid some grace, But she insisted until I came with her. As I came down the stairs I was informed that he had buried himself underneath the steps, which I might say is a pretty dirty and scary at night, It’s a great place to get stung in the face by a scorpion. I looked under and there he was with his face about an inch from the wall rocking back licking the wall. I crawled under and spoke softly to him but he would not even look at me. I tried to pull him away but he got really nasty with me. Apparently he had been there for some time because his tongue was raw. Saravana informed me that he received a phone call from his father. I was puzzled because I didn’t even know he had a living father. I told the kids to dial the father’s number to find out what his father said to him. We got his father and the phone and Madesh refused to say a word to him. After trying with no luck to persuade him to come out we decided to give him his space. We left him there and later that night, he came out and went to bed.

The next day I spoke with him and he assured me that everything was completely fine, He wasn’t willing to share why he had behaved the way he did so I considered it a fluke. Later that day I stopped by the school to speak with some of the teachers and all the kids ran up and Said “Madesh angry Madesh angry”, I went up to talk with him and he flipped out and started swinging at me. To make a long story short the school incident blew over which leads me to the main heart of the story. Two nights back Madesh pulled me aside and said “ Rocky enna my father calling”, Saravana cut in and said his father has stopped taking his calls. We sat down together and dialed the phone it rang but no one answered. I must say I’ve never seen a kid more discouraged in my life. He climbed up into bed and just started to shake back and forth and crying, he held his stomach like he had been kicked. He looked like he was in total physical pain, so I sat down next to him and rubbed his back as he chest. HE spoke softly and said “why is he doing this to me?” Just then I remembered this mother Teresa quote that says there is no greater pain then feeling unwanted and unloved. In that moment I could just feel his pain, He is so confused as to why his father would cast him off so carelessly. I sat there for twenty minutes rubbing his back till he fell asleep. Over these last few days it’s like his spirit has left him, when you look into his eyes he is somewhere else.  I’ve really focused on being there for him but honestly I’ll never know the rejection he is facing. Please pray for his heart to be at peace.

An Update on Swathi

In previous emails to you I spoke of a girl named Swathi. I told you that after her mother and father died everyone treated her badly and cast her out of her village; at that time she was only the age of 7. I also spoke a little bit about one instance when her brother came to visit her here in the home, do you remember that? Well anyway he had come and she totally lit up with excitement I was blown away she became a different girl. He ended up talking on the phone the entire time he was here. I was so ticked because I seemed to be the only one who noticed the girl’s zeal turn to sadness and discouragement. He is the only relationship she has left in her family he didn’t even pay any attention to her.

Anyway I’ve had a really hard time with her because I’ve really tried to encourage her but she can be so nasty to me. It puzzled me so much and I felt so tempted just to avoid her like the plague, I would reason that there are 36 other children who are grateful that I’m here to love them. It was super hard because I started to take everything personally. I was talking to a sister who said I should get this book called the Primal Wound and read it because it would give me great insight into this little girl’s heart and behavior. After reading the book I learned that these kinds of children will actually push people away who love them because they are so afraid of being hurt again. They see everyone as being temporary, in a sense that no one can be relied upon, so they fully rely on themselves. They believe this protects them from being hurt again but it also keeps them from being loved. I prayed a lot and kept trying to reach out to her even though she would insult me and hit me.

So recently a brother came from Pittsburgh and he really did an amazing job loving the children in a great way. The reason I share that is because after his time here had come to an end we had a sharing session where the kids were able to share how they felt about him. Let me tell you it was so powerful to hear the kids share, So many times I was moved to tears. After everyone had shared It came time for Swathi to share and to be honest I was confident that she wasn’t going to share, but to my surprise she did, The next part is what she shared; “Nathan enna we all were very happy when you came, but now we are all very sad that you are going away from us.” Then she broke down and cried then she continued by saying; “My own brother has never loved me as much as you have loved me”. Her sadness led me to cry as well because I understood how badly she just wants to live a normal life like everyone else. She’s growing up as a thirteen-year-old girl in an orphanage. The extent of her possessions is a suitcase with some clothes and a few photos inside. She may be cold at times but with God’s love I’m trying to give her hope. Pray for her to find peace and her brother to realize he is missing out on a precious treasure.

Learning to Discipline

More and more I’m starting to understand the intensity of each child’s loss, it’s not as light as I can sometimes make it. These kids get to see other children’s parents pick them up from school and it reminds them daily of their loss. I’m doing my best by God’s grace and mercy to be the best loving brother, friend and father I can be. I fall short daily but I’m on my knees begging God to teach me how I can help the kids to take refuge in him.

I’m really fighting to teach the boys how to be gentle and caring towards the girls, most of them grew up with a father beating the crap out of their mothers and they think the behavior is ok to replicate. They will get upset and try to hurt the girls. I am earnestly trying to teach this behavior out of them. I’m working to show them how men of God treat women. My faith is that someday they will become gentle compassionate men. I’m also working to strike a balance with the kids being firm and loving. I want them to fear evil and flee from unrighteous behavior but I also want them to understand love, grace and forgiveness.

Lastly I’m trying to teach the kids the importance of hard work in their studies. India is extremely competitive and if the kids don’t have acquired skills and education they will have a very hard future if God grants them that much time.

Thank you so much just for being there for me it means more then you know, living in a remote village is hard, sometimes you feel alone. I know that my life will produce fruit in other people’s lives at least that is my prayer and hope. My faith is that one day these children will become disciples and that through my service they will know that God always loved them.