Hi bro here is an update on life in the India.
I miss you

Something that will last

Recently I was speaking with a few locals about what I’m doing and the importance of giving these kids consistent love like Jesus. I spoke about how my goal is just to be a pillar of love and support for the kids, In short someone who thinks they are the most special kids in the world and is willing to give up his life to better theirs. After speaking the local seemed totally unmoved and said “that’s great but it’s not sustainable, because after you go no one will ever treat them like that. In fact your showing these girls special love and kindness now but the reality is that when they get older and get married their husband is going to see them as beneath them. If he goes to work and has a bad day he will probably come home and beat her up, and because she is receiving this love she will think she is a princess and not stay with him because she will not be willing to be treated like that. What you’re doing is going to enable these kids to cope with hardship the hardship they will face in this country.

I’d love to tell you that those words had no impact on me but they were like an arrow piercing my heart, I mean to think that what I’m doing is only hurting the kids in the long run. Since that conversation I have began to become deeply insecure about my service to the kids. For about a week and a half I pulled away from the kids in a big way because I didn’t know how to act. I find myself worry that what I’m trying to build will have no impact or value. I’m confident that it means the world to the children but I want local adults to look and say “wow this is great I’m glad you’re doing this, But it seems like I’m advocating some American system of love and child development rather than the Love of a Sheppard. Let’s be honest people aren’t interested in theories, people what to see results like test scores, highest marks things like that, that confirm your time is not a waist.

Sustainability, Do I offer that? Outside of showing them God loves them in a very practical way I’m not sure.

The fuse box

Just today I had the reoccurring joy of changing one of the fuses in the fuse box, blowing a fuse seems to happen at the most awful times of day. It will usually happen at like 3 in the morning when you would rather die than get up and change a fuse. Well today I was lucky it happened in the middle of the afternoon, so I collected a few items to fix it and I asked Subbu to come with me. Subbu is one of youngest girls in the home; she recently turned 8 years old. This little girl is so funny because she tries so hard to use english to communicate with me but she doesn’t speak properly so it makes for some very funny conversations. For instance one morning we were sitting having breakfast and she began to tell me about her sleep the night before. She said “Rocky enna…..night…sleeping very ice cutty (tamil for ice cube)”. Translation, Rocky it was so cold last night, I just smiled at her.

Getting back to where I was going with my story, we were making our way to the fuse box. As I started opening the box and started taking out the fuses she stopped me and said something that kind of made me think. “Rocky enna my mommy death” (sticking out her tongue and tilting her head slightly, you careful…. you going no! Honestly the words didn’t hit me right away but then it became obvious how afraid she is of losing people she has become close with. She is one of few who are so openly expressive about her needs and feelings.

I’m now reading this book called the Primal Wound and it is showing me just how much these children suffer from separation anxiety. It is an insecurity that will nag tirelessly at them, Like If I go to the city for the day the children will ask me many times before I leave if I’m coming back. Due to this observation I really try to be sensitive to the time I spend away from the kids as well as being very clear about when I am coming and going so as to not put them though needless worry.

The Primal Wound

So as I said before I started reading this book and let me tell you it is giving me a world of insight as to the emotional damages these children have received due to the separation from their families. Each child will react very differently to the pain that is going on inside their heart. I want to take a second to share about Swathi, I wrote about her before but I have come to understand her better as I read the book. A little bit about her in case you don’t remember she is the girl who’s brother came to visit her and then talked on the phone the whole time pay no attention to her.

Swathi has something about her that draws you to her, she’s not physically stunning in anyway, it’s something different that draws you, I can’t explain, it’s like you feel a special desire to help her because what is going on inside her heart seems to be on the outside. In the home nobody knows this girl; she will not let anyone be close with her. She doesn’t share her heart with any of the girls or staff; she is completely an island floating within the home.

Last week all the children were playing together and I really tried to engage Sawthi so she could break out of herself. As I sat next to her bed to talk she looked at me angrily and just started speaking really mean things to me. I fought the urge to leave her bed side despite how aggressive she was becoming with me. As I stared happily into her eyes trying to love her and at the same time trying to hide just how hurt I was becoming, I wondered why she is trying to hurt me like this. I must admit I decided fine she doesn’t want me to love her no problem there are 33 other kids who need love, I’ll just avoid her. It’s funny how quickly God will intervene when you’re about to make a huge mistake that will greatly hurt other people.

I came up on this chapter in the book  called the false self, It’s all about this fake personality that the child will put on to protect themselves from being hurt and experiencing further loss. Basically what she does is prevent herself from bonding to other people because she sees people as not being permanent. In a sense “what’s the point giving you my heart when you’re going to split. Instead I’ll prevent myself from becoming close to anyone and when they go away it won’t phase me because you never had any piece of my heart to begin with”.

At this point I’m just trying to be consistent with her despite how nasty she can be at times, I’m really trying to be mature and not see her behavior as an attack on me but more so a way for her to heal. This week she let down her guard for a few minutes and I must say it was amazing. It was right before bed and I was sitting in the girl’s room sharing a story about my life with the girls. As I spoke I felt two little arms wrap around my neck and then a head on my shoulder. I didn’t turn I just kept talking as I finished up I turned to look and it was Swathi.

Prayer Requests

1.    For me to be courageous.
2.    For me to trust that God is with me and is pleased with me doing this.
3.    That I can be used to do something that is sustainable.
4.    For my passion not to fail.