I have honestly wanted to write to you on several occasions but so much has been going on that I haven’t been able to. One big thing is; India changed their visa rules because of an attack that took place this time last year. India has now put a law into place that anyone on a long term visa must leave the country for a period of two months before returning. So I have been working to try and get different papers and clearances to make it possible for me to stay, it would basically be an exemption. It’s rather difficult to obtain. I’ve sat in lots of different police and inspectors offices over the last few weeks. Each have a series of request before they help you to get what you need, one Chief Inspector even declared that I need to purchase the station a new laptop.

I’ve been strait forward with the kids about what is going on. Almost daily the kids will ask me Rocky anna you America going aa? Some children have pushed me away.  I think the uncertainly is wearing on them. I’ve honestly found that the uncertainly is wearing on me.  I’m kinda bummed out because the stress has brought a lot of ugly things out in my character. I feel like I’ve been this angry monster getting mad at the most unimportant things. anyway I’m going off on a huge tangent.

A Little Light

I walked one night through the tiny village where my house is. It’s a really tiny unimportant place composed of mostly uneducated farmers. Little cement 7×7 square encase families ranging from 5-10 members. For most of the day I had been feeling troubled by thoughts of loneliness. My concentration and I lifted my head just in time to see a small flicker of light in the field ahead of me. I at first took it for a small fire.  After all I was way too far to assess what it was exactly. As I drew closer and closer I saw a small figure wrapped around it. There in the middle of this field was a small girl no older than the age of seven holding a tiny candle. I crouched down beside her and asked in Tamil what are you doing? She replied,  “I’m looking for my money.”  Yevelo Ponum kutti poeni (How much money small girl?) I asked. “Two Rupee ($0.04 American) “, I was amazed. “You’re looking for a two Rupee coin”? As I walked further and further away the light got smaller but she continued to diligently search. Soon I could no longer see the flicker of her light.

Her heart reviled just how wasteful I am. I laughed at her for searching for an amount only important to her because in my own thinking two Rupees doesn’t count as money. It’s like the people who throw away their pennies with the “You know how many of these stupid things I have to have to actually buy something.”  What an incredibly rich little girl. How poor have I become when the things God has handed me stop meaning anything to me.

Sometimes I find myself being completely distressed over the suffering of other people. Some people have been given crosses of much greater weight to carry then mine. I’m tempted to feel guilty over how gentle God has been to me. I’ve told you in previous emails about the challenges that girls have to go through in India. Even though the country is growing and changing rapidly so many corners in India remain completely unaffected by those changes and advancements.

She’s A Waste

I was sitting on the cold hard floor enjoying the evening meal amongst some of my favorite people. Because of their poverty they happen to be some of the most truly rich, in character, people I’ve ever met. It’s incredible the generosity that the truly poor in life and spirit will give to you. The conversations for the evening were so entertaining and fun.

The night suddenly took a sharp turn in a negative direction. I told Buna, “you have a bright future ahead of you. Buna Is one of two children born to a very poor family in the slums of Chennai. Buna’s father quickly replied no she doesn’t, we are planning on marring her off when she turns 16. I replied, “No she can study and come up in life.” To that he replied “No she can’t! She is a waste! He became angry as he continued to look at her and reuse the words “ She’s a waste”. My stomach turned as she hung her head in shame and began to cry. She pulled her dress up to wipe her face then walked out into the dark to cry alone. In my anger I wanted to hit her father in the mouth. I thought “How careless and unloving to insult your daughter like that.” After a little bit of thought it became clear to me why he was so angry. He has two daughters and he is already struggling to survive. In the villages a large amount of parents will suffocate the baby girls just to avoid paying a dalry when the girl is of age to marry. The ones that don’t have the heart to do that have two more options. One is to put her in a top notch school so she can get a high paying job someday. The second is to marry her off as a novelty. Since these girls have no worth in the family they will actually marry their daughters off as young as twelve or thirteen to men who are in their early 30’s. It’s hard to love a child like this and know what’s ahead for her. She is so young and underdeveloped and before she ever fully matures she’s going to be a wife. Time and time I come across these situations and you know there is nothing in your power to do besides pray. I spent time praying about that because it distressed me so much. I thought “What can I do to change the future for this girl and her family.” After praying it became clear there is nothing I can do but God can do anything. The answer was so clear. They need Jesus not a better education. The very next day a local brother and I went over and began the process of reaching out to the family. This brother has started building a relationship with the father and will be giving him carpentry work as a means to build a good relationship with him. The family has agreed to come to church. Please pray that God will draw these people to himself in a powerful way. This has been a year and a half of work that God has been doing. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.

Buvaneshwari’s Going Home

Over the last few weeks I’ve been watching one of our little girls get sicker and sicker. It seems that Buvana’s lungs are being ravaged by TB which is a very common thing to get when you have HIV/AIDS. I’ve been going daily and sitting by her bedside and just rubbing her back while praying over her. It’s so sad; she broke down and cried and told vanilla, one of our women here, that she’s afraid because she knows her time is short. To be frank this all came up in such a terrible way. Some of the newer women who claim to be Christians were scolding her because she was coughing so much. Her lungs are breaking down and she just can’t help it but they can’t seem to see that. I was so angry with the doctors; they chose not to admit her and just handed her some cough syrup and sent her home. I confess it’s so hard to pray for her to get well because I have seen the way girls are treated when they become older. It’s a nice thought and wish to see these girls have wonderful lives where they are treated like princesses. That’s just not the reality in India the abuse women go through here is very disheartening. Add aids into the mix and you can’t begin to imagine the nightmare these girls face. I’m torn; I feel like I’m protecting her by not being wholehearted as I pray for her. Buvana came to the home because her grandmother who had been taking care of her went blind and could no longer give her medicine correctly or on time. One day I sat rubbing her back and she asked to call her village. In my life I’ve never heard a more painful call of rejection even the thought of it. It was like Buvana was pleading for her family to reconsider leaving her in the home to die. She spoke so graciously until they abruptly ended  the call on her. Her face looked so bleak. She just looked out as if to say did I do something wrong. After that phone call the fight just went out of her.

The Letter To Buvana She’ll Never Read

It was nice sitting with you tonight holding your hand. I ‘m sorry if I came across sad I guess I just sense your end is near. I’ve watched you body grow thinner and thinner; even your fingers look so thin. I can’t remember a time when your arms were ever smooth. They always seemed to be covered with those sores. I know it hurts you that the others kids keep their distance from you; their just afraid… but I’m not afraid of you. Listening to your cough breaks my heart. The doctor says the TB is destroying your already weak lungs. I tried my best to hear you tonight but your wheezing has made your voice too quite to hear. I felt so fake praying over you because honestly I don’t know if I want you to get better or to go home to be with Him. If you get better and stay I fear how terrible this world is going to treat someone so beautiful. You would never deserve such ugly treatment from people who never knew you. My desire to protect you from such things has given me a surrender to whether or not He takes you away. I’m sorry but that is why I didn’t pray for God to let you STAY. I’m sorry I just don’t want you to flee from a lion to meet a bear.

Please pray for:

1. As I’ve been here for some time it’s been more clear that I’d like to do this with a sister who loves this kind of life and work. Pray that God will just lead me towards a sister who is like minded, spiritual, and passionate.
2. Please pray that God moves powerfully and gives me the proper visa approval so I don’t have to leave India in the next 65 days.
3. Pray for God to clear and refresh my mind and heart. I desire and I am needed to serve more than ever so I want and need to engage and not lose heart.
4. For me to trust God’s grace and forgiveness when I blow it and loss my cool.
5. Pray that I can learn the language fully, God has hooked me up! I speak a ton for only being here for 9 months. Ask God to Blow my mind and show me his glory.
6. Please pray for all the people studying the bible and for many more to study. In fact pray that no one falls through the cracks here but that we do everything to offer these young adults and staff the real Jesus.
7. Pray for me to lead powerfully through God’s strength and not my own.